The Extrahuman Union

Ask Jill: What benefits are there to having superpowers?

Posted on: November 15, 2012

Behold: what happens when I drink too much coffee and have access to the web:

*title: “Ask Jill” appears*

*lights come up on SUSAN and JILL on a set somewhere*

SUSAN: Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. I’m Susan, and this is my website. Well, it’s WordPress’s website, technically, but I’m squatting here and they don’t mind. This is Jill. She’s from my books.

JILL: *sticks out tongue*

SUSAN: I’ve brought Jill here today to answer a question. One of the searches that for some unknown reason brings people to this site all the time is “what advantages are there to being a superhero,” or “what benefits are there to having superpowers?” Since Jill kindly agreed to come on today—

JILL: It was part of my plea bargain.

SUSAN: Er, yes. Since you ‘agreed’ to come on today, I thought I’d give you a shot at answering this question. What do you think?

JILL: *sighs heavily* Who the hell asks these questions? Seriously. Okay. You want to know the benefits, kid? Is that it? The benefits.

*JILL thinks about it*

Okay, here’s one. You can fly, just not very far. Like, you can go up about three meters in the air and then your stupid flight powers just GIVE OUT on you and you crash down to the floor like a jackass. It’s GREAT. I love it. Oh! And I can make fire! Check it out!

*JILL snaps her fingers, and eventually a tiny spark appears*

Wow! Isn’t that great, boys and girls? Oh! And if you get a cut, I can sort of heal it! Maybe a little tiny bit. But if you happen to be a kid who gets hit by a car, sorry! I can fix up that scape and then WATCH YOU DIE in the middle of the F***ING ROAD like a helpless little SH**.

SUSAN: Uh, Jill—

JILL: And I can see the FUTURE. Except I can’t, not at all, except for the one time I had a premonition of finding some cash out in a field, and then hey, it was there! Two whole credits! I ATE WELL THAT NIGHT. I have LUCK, but it only helps me when it wants to, so it’s like regular old luck and not anything super at all. You know what, kids, my powers are SH**. It’s AWFUL having these stupid powers because there’s always other jerks out there who are so much better. You know what my superhero identity was? THE SAMPLER. Because I sucked at everything. Life lesson, everybody, someone’s going to be better than you at everything you try.

So don’t bother trying. I don’t try, and look at me! I live in the back of a bar!

SUSAN: Thanks, Jill.

JILL: Yeah, go fall down the stairs.

SUSAN: I’ll do that. Join us next time when we ask more questions, and get more answers!


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