The Extrahuman Union

The White Doom and the Creaky Roof

Posted on: February 9, 2011

It’s another morning in Connecticut, which means more roofs have collapsed from the hideous, crushing weight of snow sitting on top of them. This is getting to be a familiar pattern. Get up, check the paper, see the latest list of casualties. Today it was a gas station canopy, which just sort of… fell over. Good grief.

Death Snow


All of this means that, with our usual dose of Connecticut good cheer and optimism, we’re convinced that our own roofs will cave in very soon and kill us all. I was trying to get some sleep during a period of high winds yesterday, which always leads to a certain amount of house-based creaking and groaning. As I lay there, listening, I was convinced that every tiny noise was a harbinger of my own imminent demise.

House: *creak*
Me: Oh god. It’s finally happening. This is it. I haven’t even finished that book draft yet.
House: *creeeeeeeak*
Me: When the roof starts collapsing I’ll leap out and roll under the bed. Maybe I should do that now. Or would that just look silly?
House: …
Me: Or maybe I’m just paranoid.
House: *CREAK*
Me: “AAAAAA!”

I slept lightly, for some reason, which means I’m not in the best mood today. I don’t think anyone around here is, which means that this next week will be a perfect time to hear all about how the state is cutting back on services and raising taxes. If I were some clever editorial cartoonist or had any drawing talent, I could make a cartoon that showed the snow piling up on a building labeled “Connecticut” and label the snow “The Deficit.” Then maybe I could show Gov. Malloy below with a tiny roof rake saying something witty.

Like this but good


So to sum up the state of the state, everything is terrible, we have no money, it’s cold, and our roofs are all caving in. I’d wish for an early spring, but that would probably just mean a flood in my basement.
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